Progress

Every conversation, be it a serious one or even a silly one, I always feel like it brings me closer to you. Especially the serious ones. Every moment we spend it makes our bond stronger. Thank you for going through this with me even though I am a pain in the ass sometimes. Here's to more months with you~

F.

Happy birthday to me,  I guess...

The thought of my age 1 turns into 2 just scares me. This proves I am officially an adult. A full grown woman that just turns 20 years old an hour ago. But I gotta admit, I don't act like what. I'm still young at heart but I do have thoughts adults have. This is where you can get married,  this is where you start become more independent. This is where you start thinking about having a family. This is where you.... live for a change. Of course finishing my degree with flying colours is my first priority right now but I hope, insyaAllah, in Allah's hand that I'll be able to marry the man I love.

F.

Friendship.

Everyone experiences friendship in their life. Even though as you grow older, some stays some goes especially when you reach the stage where you leave high school, get into a university of your choice and you just get separated with friends you make during your school life. It's just a matter of choice whether you want to keep in touch or lost in touch. In my case, I pretty much lost in touch with almost all my friends in high school. We all suddenly just became acquaintance. Maybe also because I didn't make much effort to keep in touch with them because of personal reasons.

I personally think university is where you know whether the friendships you make are going to stay or leave you and alhamdulillah mine are still here by my side.

My foundation year made me become good friends with bunch of people and we're still close till today even when two of them are studying abroad and another one doing a different degree course. We still try to keep in touch together and not breaking the friendship knot. I always go to them when I have problems and they would help me or sometimes slap me to some senses. They are always the first one to know everything about my relationship and my other personal problems. But sometimes I don't really go to them for relationship problems because they don't really know him very well so I go to someone else instead, someone that knows him well enough like I do.

But other times, I just go on my social media or my diary and rant there because sometimes I feel like telling them everything just won't help so instead I keep to myself and rant out somewhere. There are limits when it comes to telling people your problems.

Unfortunately, out of all the friends you make, there's always a few of them that would either envy you or basically dislike you. You either ignore and just continue being friends with them or completely ignore and leave them be. I personally experience it a few times already and of course I don't like it but even when I try to work things out with them, they just continue to make things worst so in conclusion, I just leave them alone.

In the end being alone is still the best. The joy of being alone is still something I enjoy doing.

F.

Distraction.

I still have that overly attached girlfriend inside me. Therefore, I miss him already even though we just saw each other yesterday. I know.... it's silly.... but that feeling disappeared when I occupied myself by doing something. After months of not cleaning my room, I finally got to do it today. On top of that! I managed to rearrange my furniture in my small room. Though I couldn't do much but it is still something. It will stay like this until I feel like rearranging it. Day well spent I must say.

Eid is tomorrow and I am ready to celebrate it with open arms. Though I'm gonna miss Ramadan. It's been a lovely 1 month of holiness and trying to get closer to Allah. I still feel like I didn't do much to get closer to Him but I think I did enough. InsyaAllah I'll be able to experience Ramadan again next year. 

I'll be blogging again now that I'm free but not a daily thing. It's going to be a weekly thing.

What was I talking about again.......

Distraction.

F.

Luck and Time.

I told myself, "Don't chase after him anymore. Try playing hard to get." Surprisingly, it worked. I kept myself calm and cool, pretended the past we had never happened, playing the best friend role until one of us start it first...

The rest is history, they said.

In conclusion, everything is going so well. Alhamdulillah~

F.

You can't just think you know the person well by just reading her blog posts. That's not the right way to get to know a person. You think you know me but you actually don't....

I love him...

I've come to the decision where this is it.
He's the one I'm gonna marry.
I see the future when I'm with him.

No more one sided feelings.
No more worries.
No more doubts.
No more obstacles.
Just us, world and after life.

F.

I gotta say after being in the same class for three semester now. I realized a lot of things. Being the only Malay in class is not easy especially when majority of your classmates are all Chinese and they all speak Chinese together. So obviously you will feel left out right. I do have friends in class, I am friends with everyone in class but I only have two person that I'm very close with and one of them is already in a relationship with a guy in our class so that's a minus. Ever since they became together, they have been with each other like literally 24/7. Sometimes I find it annoying but I kind of understand. It's just probably I feel jealous that she's in relationship and I'm not. It's normal right? To feel like that. They are always together that she sometimes doesn't sit or talk with me anymore in class but this semester changed. It's all back normal now. But it's probably because my other close friend isn't here yet, she's still at her hometown. Also one of the reason why I feel left out because without her it feels so empty, like I'm always alone. I'm just waiting for her to come back and everything will be normal. I mean I love my classmates, I really do but the Chinese gangs are always together that sometimes I feel intimidated to be with them or even talk with them. I can try and talk in Chinese with them, which I should but I'm just scared that when I make a mistake with my pronunciation or my intonation that they would judge me. Oh well, I'm just gonna be in my own alone world when Eka is not around. 

I'm really proud of myself, within this 3 years in Taylor's. I made friends with a lot of people from other fields which we should be doing when you're in university. Some are really close to me, some are just friends and most of them are just acquaintance but I'm just glad I get to know them. It's good to get connection with people from other fields, because you can ask for help after we all graduate. So I'm not really worried if I ever become alone in class.

F.

Letting Go.

Letting go of people is never easy. I tried letting go a lot of people in my life and it took me months/years to actually let them go.

And here I am in that position again, trying to let go of someone I love dearly. I still have feelings for him but I said to myself, let's cherish the friendship more so I decided to just keep my friendship with him rather than trying to chase after him. We have known each other for a year now and it has been a great year with him. We tried to be together but I guess it didn't worked out according to him so here we are back as best friend. I gotta say that it's amazing that we came back to normal after what happened. It wasn't awkward or anything, it's like it never happened. So it's pretty amazing.

I'm not gonna chase after him anymore unless something unexpected happen then I might think otherwise.

That Singaporean has clearly let me go. I'm pretty sure he's trying to forget about ever knowing me. It showed when he unfollowed me on Instagram. I honestly think that was an immature move for him to but I understand. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually deleted my number as well. I would to if I were him because I kept pushing myself to him and I kept pushing him to like me back. So it was my fault basically. But oh well can't really do anything about it. But I'm just so upset that he wants to desperately forget me. I mean all I wanted was to become good friends with him after he told me he wasn't ready but I guess he doesn't see that. I just wanted him to talk to me again and start over by being just friends. Like really, is that so hard? But I guess it is to him. I wish him all the best. Though I will try and meet him if I ever go to Singapore because I just want to see him again.

Once in your life, you will experience trying to let go of someone you love and it's never easy, it takes time. They said.

F.

I clearly have no patient in my genes. I'm clearly a very impatient person when it comes to relationship. I keep fidgeting over this guy. Wondering when the hell is he going to talk to me again, when the hell is he ready to meet new people, when the hell is he ready to let me in his life. All this ridiculous thoughts keeps bugging me for days now, hence me having trouble sleeping. When I say "I'll wait." I literally don't mean it, like 80% don't mean it. The other 20% is me messing up things with me waiting. I realized that now. I may or may not have ruined my relationship with this guy. Probably. I can tell he's cutting any kind of relation with me. I still believe in him. I really do.

#MarchWish for you to talk to me again.

Fate.

If you ask me if I believe in fate or love at first sight. Then my answer would be a yes.

Mecca and Madinah were solely for the whole reason of doing my prayers to Allah. Never thought Allah would play with my heart while I was in the holy land of Madinah. I believe that fate brought us together that Allah purposely made us bumped into each other so often that I find it ridiculous. Saw you once, didn't really paid much attention about it then saw you again at the same hotel as mine in Madinah and I just start to flip out thinking what the hell is going on here. Saw you like more than just once in a day is something I shouldn't take lightly I said to myself. For three days of staying in Madinah, you were in my presence everyday. We even went to the same shop at one point and saw each other in the midst of a thousand of crowds after Isyak prayers. Ridiculous I tell you. I couldn't help myself but giggle to this incident. Maybe, I said. I would see him again in Mecca but Allah probably wanted both of us to focus on our main reason for going to Mecca so we didn't see each other for the time we stayed in Mecca. So I stopped thinking about him. Then comes in the last day, something miraculous happened. I never though I would actually bumped into him again. I mean I didn't see him for like 6 days after staying in Madinah. I didn't even talked to him and I didn't even know when he's going back. When you don't expect for something, it will happen... As I was walking to the check in gate, out of nowhere you appeared right in front of me, walking the opposite direction. I was looking at you, you were looking at me. After we passed by each other, I literally giggled at that incident, I thought to myself. Oh Allah are You really trying to play with my heart, are You trying to say that this is someone I should keep. Are You telling me to finally do something right with my relationship. I had all this thought in my mind. At the same time, I had the urge to go up to him and say why do you keep appearing in front of me, WHY. Of course, I didn't do it. I had no balls to go up to him. Fortunately, with the help of my sneaky cousins, they forced me to write down my number on a piece of paper and asked my cousin who is a guy to give it to him personally. So, he did. I wouldn't stop blushing. I had so many negative thoughts. He would think like why is this girl giving her number to me. I, of course thought that it was a bad idea, I shouldn't have done that, obviously he wouldn't actually contact me. I that thought the whole plane ride. The moment I reach my home land, Malaysia. I opened up the WiFi and I got a notification from an unknown number and yes, you guessed it, it was from the man himself. I was so surprised, I giggled to myself, you've done it Fauza. He contacted you. I made fate happen.

My trip will always be remembered and cherished. You don't always get to experience something like this in your daily life. I'm really blessed to Allah for making this happen. I still think there's a reason why we coincidentally keep bumping into each other. There's always a reason behind all the event that Allah creates. InsyaAllah, my relationship will be a good one. Who knows...

Failed Once Again.

I have failed once again to keep my relationship afloat. Well it wasn't technically my fault or his fault. It's just that his feelings for me wasn't there anymore. He stops liking me. He decided that he wants to end our "relationship". He had a change in heart and I accept it. I knew it would happen eventually. So the end.