Truthfully, I had a pretty rough months ever since that incident happened. I was feeling lonely, depressed, unsatisfied, one-sided, frustrated with myself so I made some pretty bad choices along the way. There was a time where I was so desperate in need of someone to be by my side, so I went and texted the guy who ruined my relationship (I'm gonna state him as GUY B) with this guy who shall not be named (GUY A) who is also my ex. I asked GUY B "Have you ever thought of getting a second chance from me." or "Call me. I want to talk to you. I miss you." that kind of thing. I was that desperate. To even go back to the one person I was suppose to hate. Though in all honesty, I still can't forgive GUY B and myself for what happen. Thankfully, GUY B didn't reply me back nor called me. I wouldn't want to imagine what would happen if he actually did reply or call me back that night. So I was left being confused and even more miserable. It was those time where you sleep late in the middle of the night that made you think about these stuffs. It happened to me. In those months, I did a lot of stuff. From trying to make GUY A talk to me again or at least make things right to thinking that I want to get back together with GUY B. I was in such a messed. But of course all my efforts I did for GUY A was just in vain. You can say I think back about all this for at least twice a month. The saddest thing is, no one knew about this. I didn't have that one special friend that actually knows what's going on and would understand me. Everytime people ask me how am I, I was just say "Yeah. I'm fine." but sometime when I feel really icky I would just straight away say "I'm not fine." I mean yeah I have friends that knows about the incident but I couldn't talk to them about these issues because some of them will criticize and judge me instead of helping. I was dealing with this all by myself.
and today. It happened... GUY B called me, finally. I actually wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him what he did and what I did. He was giving me advice that I already pretty much heard from everybody. He even reminded me about that drunk text I texted to him. I seriously had forgotten about that, then it hit me like a brick. I realized maybe all I needed was someone to bring me back to my senses. Feeling like a slap in the face kind of thing. Well... he did, sort of. Honestly, when we were talking. I wasn't myself. I was so distracted by something else, by something else I meant by me trying to make my niece stop being a such a nuisance and also I wasn't really in my head. So whatever he said was pretty much a blur now. Well okay after we hung up, I had to text him to tell him what's up. So I told him that I was in my drunk mode that night probably because I was lonely and I really miss GUY A so much and that maybe I just needed someone to talk to about this. Of course, he didn't reply. I already expected him to not reply so it was fine.
Clearly, karma is a bitch.
But yesterday made me realized something. Maybe I still have hope. GUY A did something that made me see hope. I was really surprised, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Frankly, I REALLY wanted to tell someone about it, but I was like "who should I tell.... no one knows what's up. I can't tell those people." so I just enjoyed my little joy with myself. Maybe he's slowly opening up. Maybe he's slowly feels bad for me (I doubt it though but who knows). Maybe one day I'll finally get the wish I hoped for and it does not involve having back the relationship eventhough I really want that but it was the friendship that I wanted most back...
Maybe...
F.
and today. It happened... GUY B called me, finally. I actually wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him what he did and what I did. He was giving me advice that I already pretty much heard from everybody. He even reminded me about that drunk text I texted to him. I seriously had forgotten about that, then it hit me like a brick. I realized maybe all I needed was someone to bring me back to my senses. Feeling like a slap in the face kind of thing. Well... he did, sort of. Honestly, when we were talking. I wasn't myself. I was so distracted by something else, by something else I meant by me trying to make my niece stop being a such a nuisance and also I wasn't really in my head. So whatever he said was pretty much a blur now. Well okay after we hung up, I had to text him to tell him what's up. So I told him that I was in my drunk mode that night probably because I was lonely and I really miss GUY A so much and that maybe I just needed someone to talk to about this. Of course, he didn't reply. I already expected him to not reply so it was fine.
Clearly, karma is a bitch.
But yesterday made me realized something. Maybe I still have hope. GUY A did something that made me see hope. I was really surprised, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Frankly, I REALLY wanted to tell someone about it, but I was like "who should I tell.... no one knows what's up. I can't tell those people." so I just enjoyed my little joy with myself. Maybe he's slowly opening up. Maybe he's slowly feels bad for me (I doubt it though but who knows). Maybe one day I'll finally get the wish I hoped for and it does not involve having back the relationship eventhough I really want that but it was the friendship that I wanted most back...
Maybe...
F.
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